I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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