My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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