i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
