Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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