Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you will always have a special place in my vag
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
