i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
