Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
