At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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