i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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