wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
