what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
