I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
