At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
