In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
