I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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