I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
