i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
