I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
