we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
