Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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