I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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