At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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