Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
