I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
