I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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