I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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