The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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