Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
