guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
