Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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