i need an iv and a liver transplant
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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