what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
