I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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