He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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