I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
