Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He shit in the fireplace
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