I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
