I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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