Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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