The beer is more important than you right now.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Congratulations! We have a period
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