We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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