I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
