They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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