Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
