I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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