I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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