I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
