Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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