Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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