I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
