I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
