I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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