im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
