I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
