dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
